


The Seuss Conundrum

by englandwouldfalljohn



Category: DR. SEUSS - Works, Green Eggs and Ham - Dr. Seuss, Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Book Parody, Crack, Forgive Me, Green Eggs and Ham, John Watson is Not Gay, Johnlock - Freeform, Johnlock Fans as Sam-I-Am, Kinda, M/M, Not Beta Read, POV John Watson, Ridiculous, Series Spoilers, Sorry Not Sorry, This is what happens when I have too many WIPs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 00:06:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11955561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/englandwouldfalljohn/pseuds/englandwouldfalljohn
Summary: John Watson is challenged about his lack of desire to date Sherlock Holmes in this line-for-line parody of Green Eggs and Ham. We, the Johnlock Fans, take the place of Sam-I-Am. (Book/Fic Spoiler: Our side wins.)





	The Seuss Conundrum

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing but my impeccable skill at carving something utterly unnecessary out of classic material. Also, I am currently working on my WIPs and I have millions of other little plot bunnies lounging in their hutch, so if you're waiting for me to post something... well, better than this... there will be new content soon, promise!

_ Wave Rainbow Banner Reading “Johnlock Fans” _

 

Those Johnlock Fans!

Those Johnlock Fans!

I do not like

Those Johnlock Fans!

 

_ Do you want _

_ To date a man? _

 

I do not want to,

Johnlock Fans.

I do not want

To date a man.

 

_ Would you date him _

_ In Baker Street? _

 

I would not date him

In Baker Street.

We will still need two

Rooms you see.

I do not want

To date a man.

I do not want to,

Johnlock Fans.

 

_ Would you date him _

_ At Angelo’s? _

_ There’s romance _

_ With candles, so… _

 

I would not date him

At Angelo’s.

I would not like the

Candles, no.

I would not date him

In Baker Street.

We will still need two

Rooms you see.

I do not want to date a man.

I do not want to, Johnlock Fans.

 

_ Would you date him _

_ In a cab? _

_ Would you date him _

_ At Bart’s lab? _

 

Not in a cab.

Not at Bart’s lab.

Not at Angelo’s.

Not with candles, no.

I would not date him in Baker Street.

We will still need two rooms you see.

I would not choose to date a man.

I do not want to, Johnlock fans.

 

_ Would you? Could you? _

_ At a warehouse? _

_ Date him! Date him! _

_ While Myc bribes us! _

 

I would not,

Could not,

At a warehouse.

 

_ You may like it. _

_ You will see. _

_ You make like it _

_ At a crime scene! _

 

I would not, could not at a crime scene.

Not at a warehouse! Stop outing me.

 

I am not his date in a cab.

I am not his date at Bart’s lab.

I am not his date at Angelo’s.

I do not need the candles, no.

I am not his date in Baker Street.

We will still need two rooms you see.

I am not the date of Hat Man.

I am not his date, Johnlock Fans.

 

_ A bomb! A bomb! _

_ A bomb! A bomb! _

_ Could you, would you, _

_ After a bomb? _

 

Not after a bomb! Not at a crime scene!

Not at a warehouse! Stop outing me!

 

I would not, could not, in a cab.

I could not, would not, at Bart’s lab.

I will not date him with candles, no.

I will not date him at Angelo’s.

I will not date him in Baker Street.

We will still need two rooms you see.

I do not want to date this man.

I do not want to, Johnlock Fans.

 

_ Say! _

_ In the palace? _

_ Here in the palace! _

_ Would you, could you, in the palace? _

 

I would not, could not,

In the palace.

 

_ Would you, could you, _

_ Around his mom? _

 

I would not, could not, around his mom.

Not in the palace. Not after a bomb.

Not at a warehouse. Not at a crime scene.

I do not want to date Sherlock, you see.

Not at Angelo’s. Not in a cab.

Not with candles, no. Not at Bart’s lab.

I will not date this arrogant man.

I do not want to, Johnlock Fans.

 

_ You do not want _

_ To date the man? _

 

I do not

Want to,

Johnlock Fans.

 

_ Could you, would you, _

_ With a flicked eye? _

 

I would not,

Could not,

With a flicked eye!

 

_ Would you, could you, _

_ Since Mary died? _

 

I could not, would not, since Mary died.

I will not, will not, with a flicked eye.

I will not date him around his mom.

I will not date him after a bomb.

Not in the palace! Not at a crime scene!

Not in a warehouse! Stop outing me!

I would not date him in a cab.

I would not date him at Bart’s lab.

I will not date him at Angelo’s.

I would not light some candles, no.

I would not date him in Baker Street.

We will still need two rooms you see!

 

I do not want

To date

That man!

 

I do not want to,

Johnlock Fans.

 

_ You do not want to. _

_ You’re “not gay.” _

_ Kiss him! Kiss him! _

_ And you may. _

_ For Sherlock you’ll be gay, we say. _

 

Fans!

If you’ll stop outing me,

I will kiss him.

You will see.

 

(Kisses a very surprised Sherlock, who has been lying prone on the sofa in his mind palace this whole time.)

 

Say! 

I want to date this man!

I do! I want to, Johnlock Fans!

And I would date him with a flicked eye.

And I would date him since Mary died…

 

And I will date him around his mom.

And in the palace. And after a bomb.

And at a warehouse. And at a crime scene.

I am so bi, so bi, you see!

 

So I will date him in a cab.

And I will date him at Bart’s lab.

And I will date him at Angelo’s.

And I will let those candles glow.

And I will date him in Baker Street.

Say! We only need one room, don’t we?!

 

I do so want

To date this man!

Thank you!

Thank you,

Johnlock Fans!


End file.
